Back: You have lied to me many times before. You have hurt me plenty and deeply. Even though I enjoy talking to you about music, old friends, and life, I have to remind myself of all the times you broke me without breaking a sweat. You were/are a shitty person in many ways, and I can’t always think I’m some grand exception.
Forth: There is a part of me, however, that wants to move forward, forgive, and believe that a person can change. I want to believe that love and pain can evolve into a friendship where two people can converse and learn from one another. I want to do my own thing. I want to try and see what this new, weird, never-been-done before relationship goes.
Back and Forth. Back and Forth.
Amy Poehler, Ladies Home Journal
“Amelie has no boyfriend. She’s tried once or twice, but the results were a let down. Instead, she cultivates a taste for small pleasures: dipping her hand into sacks of grain, cracking creme brulee with a teaspoon, and skipping stones at St. Martin’s canal.”
—Jean-Pierre Jeunet, Le Fabuleux destin d’Amélie Poulain
I may never leave.
Let’s try to ketchup and keep it sweet and simple.
I finally left my apartment that I moved in with my ex-husband and the memory of it has left me a more shattered, grown, and better woman.
I moved to Los Angeles with my big brother’s friend, who I also grew up with in high school. We haven’t seen each other in about six years, but it was great to have an old friend share new experiences with. He wanted to move to Los Angeles to pursue screen writing so it all worked out.
Two weeks into my move, my roommate’s friends from back home came to visit and that’s when I met my Boyfriend. I wrote a draft of when I started to fall for him on my Tumblr and played with the idea of posting it, but I felt so protective of this new love that I kept it private.
That’s when I stopped blogging and writing and started living.
As much as I love expressing myself through these little devices, I felt the need for more privacy in my life. I took a break from my Internet life and started a whole new adventure and chapter. I turned twenty-five last year and I have to say.. thank God my early twenties are over. Shit, that was confusing.
I’m still broken from the end of my marriage, but I feel like a better version of myself. I’m more kind, thoughtful, cautious, fearless, and spontaneous girlfriend, sister, and teacher. It has its drawbacks, but I want to do more than exist. I want to live! I want to grow and pain is still a part of that and I accept it.
I feel more beautiful than ever. I achieved that. I made it here. And now I have a man who doesn’t need to tell me that, but sees that in me.
I am so full of love. I feel the joy, the heartache, and the challenges that make me a better version of myself. Most importantly, the indifference is fading. I’m excited and eager to get back into the world, my world, and truly be myself again. I want to care about those I love and connect to those I have yet to meet. I want to write again and contribute to the world.
So here we are. I moved to Huntington Beach (Surf City baby!) with the Boyfriend and Dockweiler about four months ago and we are one, happy little SoCal family living it up at the beach and in our warm, sunny home.
The late 20’s awaits! Let’s go.
All along it was a fever
A cold sweat, hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air
I said show me something
He said if you dare come a little closer
Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now tell me, now tell me, now tell me now you know
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can’t live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay
It’s not much of a life you’re living
It’s not just something you take, it’s given…
Oh the reason I hold on
Oh ‘cause I need this hole gone
Funny you’re the broken one
But I’m the only one who needed saving
'Cause when you never see the light,
It’s hard to know which one of us is caving…
- “Stay” by Rihanna featuring Mikky Ekko